IN THE REAR WITH THE BEER OR SIX FLAGS OVER SAIGON
Premise: Honesty defeats corruption.
Logline: A newly-minted lieutenant is put in charge of building a recreational lake for bored rear echelon troops by a couple of soon-to-be-laid-off majors who plan to profit from his cluelessness at the end of the Vietnam war.
ACT ONE
(We introduce the pre-journey world and the main characters.)
Prelude
(We introduce our protagonist.) Creedence Clearwater Revival’s Born on the Bayou plays. OPENING CREDITS are displayed over archival footage of YOUNG PEOPLE enjoying the August 1969 Woodstock Festival during the daytime. CGI technology is used to insert our college-aged protagonist, CHARLIE STONE, into some of the footage, toking and passing a joint, smiling sheepishly, singing along, clapping along, and dancing like nobody’s looking.
Sequence A – The Comedic World (sequence titles come from a comedy screenplay book.)
(Our protagonist is a different kind of college student. He has a pet pig. A war is going on.) A montage of college campus (Junior University, aka, The Farm) scenes shows Charlie from above slowly walking his pet American Yorkshire piglet, FASCIST, on a leash and flirting with GIRLS as they admire his pet. A NARRATOR explains that the first draft lottery since 1942 is going to be held tonight.
(Our protagonist smokes weed.) John Prine’s Flag Decal is playing on a reel-to-reel tape recorder. Charlie is sitting on a sagging couch in his room in a fraternity with his BEST FRIEND listening to the song. They are also enjoying a psychedelic mural painted by Captain Acid on the opposite wall while they toke. When an automobile honks, Charlie exhales marijuana smoke, hands the roach to his smiling Best Friend, grabs uniform parts, and hurriedly exits.
(Our protagonist is in Reserve Officer Training Corp.) Country Joe and the Fish’s I-Feel-Like-I’m-Fixin’-to-Die Rag is playing. (This song expresses the theme of this movie: must war be morally corrupting?) Charlie bursts out the front door of his fraternity house, and runs down the front steps. He almost wearing a ROTC cadet uniform, his hat akilter, his shoe laces untied, and tucking his shirt into his pants as he goes. Charlie runs toward a yellow 1938 Packard Super Eight Rumble Seat Coupe that is idling in the road in front of the house.
(Our protagonist is not serious about ROTC. The war is unpopular.) I-Feel-Like-I’m-Fixin’-to-Die Rag continues. Charlie grunts to uniformed CADET #2, who is driving, and uniformed CADET #3, who is sitting in the rumble seat, as he slips into the front passenger seat. Each of the Cadets puts a fake monocle over his right eye. As the Packard approaches a field where about 20 CADETS have congregated for drill practice, it passes by a group of about 10 antiwar PROTESTERS on both sidewalks who yell at Charlie and his friends.
(Other ROTC cadets are not serious, either.) Cadets start marching but soon random Cadets are screwing up and then doing push ups all over the field and running to get back into formation. Cadet Commander Cody shakes his head and mumbles to himself.
(No one wants to be drafted. Our protagonist would have been drafted.) Albert King’s (or Cream’s) Born under a Bad Sign plays softly in the background. The crowd of FRATERNITY BROTHERS in the chapter room is rowdy. A TV flickers on a card table. Another, longer table serves as a bar. Charlie, in civies, is sitting in the back row of folding chairs with his BEST FRIEND, another college senior, holding a can of cheap beer. The TV shows large, blue-gray, plastic capsules being pulled out of a deep glass jar one at a time by an OLD DUDE in a suit. Each time a capsule is pulled, it is opened and the draft order and birth date is announced by a SELECTIVE SERVICE OFFICIAL and posted on a large board next to its draft number by an ASSISTANT. Charlie’s birthdate is the second one announced.
(Our movie has a chorus.) John Prine’s Illegal Smile is playing in the background. Charlie is walking his pet Piglet on campus again, lost in thought. He smiles as GIRLS crowd around. Charlie walks by three ASIAN WOMEN dressed in black academic robes. They point toward Charlie and intone/chant to the audience. (Three people dressed in black are our chorus.)
(Our protagonist is a leader and does not always follow the rules.) Two FRATERNITY BROTHERS practice their secret handshake as they enter the fraternity house dining room. Charlie, who is the president of the fraternity and is already drinking, makes an announcement to other Fraternity Brothers who are sitting at two long tables in the dining room. The Brothers HOWL like wolves again and thump their wine glasses on the tables. Charlie has to leave for work.
(Our protagonist has a strange job during college.) A sitting, female RESEARCH SUBJECT 14 looks a little nervous as she watches Charlie. Charlie is wearing a white lab coat and holding a SPOTTED KING SNAKE. The Snake’s tongue flicks in and out of its mouth. Charlie hands the Snake to Research Subject 14 and then picks up a clip board and rapidly takes notes.
(Our protagonist is very naïve.) Charlie sits in a chair in front of the desk of PROFESSOR ZAMBONI, his boss. Professor Zamboni is middle aged and dressed in black and the hair on his head and in his goatee is dyed black. Charlie learns about LSD.
(Again, our protagonist does not follow rules.) Charlie walks up the staircase of the College Administration Building, hungover and looking a little worse for wear. He knocks and enters the office of the DEAN OF STUDENTS. Charlie learns that a fraternity cannot be co-educational.
(Our protagonist is a stoner.) Charlie and his Best Friend are smoking dope on a beach. The moon is full. They take off their shoes and wander down to the water. They kick the wet sand, throwing bioluminescent phytoplankton into the air. The phytoplankton sparkle in the moonlight. Charlie has to go to escape and evasion training.
(Our protagonist takes chances.) Charlie is stuffing rolled-up bags of weed and Zig-Zag rolling papers into the vertical aluminum tubes of his Boy Scout backpack and then reinstalling the plastic caps on the ends of the tubes.
(Our protagonist is acting like a smart ass.) Charlie parks his car and reports to TRAINERS, who are sergeants, with his backpack on his back and carrying a suitcase in his non-saluting hand. He salutes when he reports.
(Our protagonist knows he is acting immature.) Charlie and OTHER CADETS are sneaking through the woods. They are wearing green fatigues and their faces are painted with camouflage paint. Suddenly, they are stopped by Trainers. The Other Cadets raise their hands. Charlie smirks.
(There he goes taking unnecessary risks again.) After the Cadets comply and sit on the two benches along the sides of the truck bed, the Trainers enter the truck cab, the truck engine is turned on, and the truck proceeds down the road. The other Cadets look down and are silent. Charlie jumps out of the truck and runs down the road in the opposite direction. He is not noticed, HE THINKS.
(He gets caught.) As Charlie rounds a bend in the road, an Army Jeep drives up carrying a TRAINING OFFICER and a DRIVER. As ordered, Charlie gets in the back of the Jeep which drives to and into a stockade.
(He learns that military service can be dangerous to your health.) A song like Paul Newman’s Plastic Jesus plays (from the movie Cool Hand Luke). When the Jeep reaches a walled stockade, Charlie joins the other captured Cadets who are standing in a line. The gate to the stockade is closed. Charlie taunts the Trainers by surreptitiously blowing a RASPBERRY. The Training Officer enters a nearby shed that is outside the stockade, leaving the Cadets with the Trainers. Charlie is grabbed by the Trainers and shoved into a green plywood box in which he can neither sit nor stand. Charlie continues to taunt the Trainers. Trainer #1 gets exasperated and opens the box just wide enough to drop an activated tear gas grenade into the box. He then locks the box. The grenade begins burning and fills the box and then the entire stockade with tear gas. Trainer #2 opens the stockade gate and everyone except Charlie, who is trapped in the damned box, runs coughing out of the stockade. The Training Officer looks at the box and sees CS streaming out of the box around the door. The Training Officer runs over to the box and unlocks the door. Charlie falls out of the box, unconscious. The Training Officer walks off. The Trainers wake Charlie up and strap him to a piece of plywood about one foot wide and six feet long. They then dunk a strapped-down Charlie, head down, into a 55 gallon drum full of water. Every ten seconds or so the Trainers pull Charlie out of the water for a few seconds (long enough for him to take a breath) and then plunge him back into the barrel. Finally, Charlie capitulates. Charlie is released and staggers off. The trainer yells after him. Charlie learns not to be such a smart ass.
(His pig gets adopted.) Three uniformed FUTURE FARMERS OF AMERICA are leading Piglet out to a waiting van. Charlie waves goodbye at the front door.
(The dean of his school is glad to see him go.) Charlie takes his turn on the stage as he graduates from college. His smiling PARENTS are in the audience. As the Dean hands Charlie his diploma, he smiles at Charlie and reminds him his draft deferment is ending. Charlie grins sardonically and walks off the stage.
(He receives orders to Vietnam. This is the inciting incident.) Charlie is sitting around smoking dope in his room with his Best Friend. The door to Charlie’s room has a gaping hole in it. A BROTHER sticks his hand through the hole where someone has kicked in a door panel. Charlie retrieves and opens the letter. It is orders to report for active duty. Johnny Wright’s Hello Vietnam is playing.
(He blows off steam by stealing an administration building door.) Charlie and his Best Friend are dressed in overalls as they approach the back door of the College Administration Building. It’s after 5 pm so few people are around. With screwdrivers, Charlie and his Best Friend remove the building’s wooden back door and carry it between them, a long edge down, across campus, past Mem Claw and along The Row, to their fraternity house, appearing to be workmen.
(The door does not fit his room’s door frame.) Charlie and his Best friend step over BROTHER #4 who is passed out on the floor of the living room as they carry the new door to Charlie’s room. Then, Charlie and his Best Friend toke up, remove the old door to Charlie’s room, and install the door they have just stolen. While the installed door is still open, they give each other a high five. When they close the door, it is a couple of inches too narrow. They both laugh.
(He leaves for Vietnam with lots of scared soldiers.) Charlie’s Best Friend drops Charlie off at Travis Air Force Base. They hug and Charlie enters. He is surrounded by scared, anonymous faces of a lot of TWENTY-SOMETHING SOLDIERS.
Sequence B – Setting the Inappropriate Goal, aka You’re Going to Do What?
(The scared soldiers land in Vietnam.) Creedence Clearwater Revival’s Bad Moon Rising plays. Charlie and another 150 uniformed, seated SOLDIERS stretch to look out the windows as the airplane approaches Vietnam’s Bien Hoa Air Base. Charlie is sporting a wispy mustache. Black puffs of smoke appear in the air at a distance outside the airplane as it enters a steep spiral downward, toward the runway. The passengers tightly grab their arm rests and the cabin is silent as the plane lands. At that point, Charlie blows a RASBERRY which generates nervous CHUCKLES among some of the Soldiers.
(The new world is introduced.) It’s hot. Damn hot! And Humid. And cloudy because it’s the monsoon season. Just about hourly, it rains like a cow urinating on a flat rock. In country, Charlie is transported by a big green bus with the other soldiers through the gate (and under the sign of) of the largest U.S. Army post in Vietnam, Long Binh Post. There, Charlie, who is carrying a duffle bag, is driven in a jeep by a DRIVER to one of the Temporary Officers’ Quarters (called a Hooch). He does not have his Boy Scout backpack this time.
(Weed is available in the new world.) On a rainy night before he is supposed to report, Charlie goes out in his civies and poncho to do some exploring. He bumps into an enlisted man DEALER in a poncho under an eave who is looking for someone who sell weed to. The Dealer hands a baggy to Charlie to smell. Charlie is surprised by the low price but hands a $5 bill to the Dealer, and scores some. Charlie accepts the joint and shares it with the Dealer. It is much more powerful than the weed he is used to. The Dealer smiles and walks off. Three mysterious MAMA SANS (older Vietnamese women wearing black “pajamas” and Asian conical hats) (or CONVICTS from LBJ) who are burning shit in barrels (pulled out of the back doors of outhouses) point toward Charlie and intone/chant to the audience. (Our chorus again.)
(Oh shit, this is a war zone.) Charlie enters his hooch and lies on the top bunk of a bunk bed, listening to the ceiling fans turn, CREAK, CREAK, CREAK. He falls asleep and smiles. In the middle of the night, he wakes up to the sound of mortar shells exploding in the distance, CRUMP, CRUMP, CRUMP.
(We introduce our antagonists and their partner in crime.) Twin, middle-aged U.S. Army MAJORS are delivering a slide presentation to an old-fashioned, cigar-smoking general, GENERAL “BLOWTORCH” BOB BUNKER, who looks like he is sort of a nut job. He has an abrasive personality and a disdain for bureaucratic foot dragging. The Majors run the Life Services Detachment (LSD) of the Military Assistance Command, Vietnam (MACV). The LSD is tasked with providing morale, welfare, and recreational facilities, mostly at Long Binh Post, for the two thirds of in-country U.S. army personnel in the region that are not involved in combat. MAJOR MORTIMER DICK (MAJOR DICK #1) is leading the presentation. He is the commanding officer of the unit and considers himself the more practical and intelligent of the twins. MAJOR RANDOLPH DICK (MAJOR DICK #2), the executive officer, considers himself the more visionary, a dreamer. SARGENT MAC, an older and wiser African American, is flipping the chart pages. HAL BURTON, a VietCorp project manager, is also in the room, listening. They show the General a map (or tables) that illustrates that the post already has 81 basketball courts, 64 volleyball courts, 40 bars, 12 swimming pools, 8 multipurpose courts, 8 softball fields, 6 tennis courts, 5 craft shops, 3 football fields, 3 weight rooms, 3 libraries, 3 service clubs, 2 miniature golf courses, 2 handball-court complexes, a running track, an archery range, a golf driving range, a skeet range, a party area, an amphitheater for movies and live shows, an unofficial brothel, a “male beauty bar” with salon services, and outdoor movies. (This is all true.) The General has nodded off. Major Dick #2 displays another slide and Sgt. Mac “accidentally” slaps a ruler on a table. The General snaps awake. Major Dick #2 displays another slide that shows the proposed lake on a map. Hal Burton raises his hand to indicate who he is. The General turns to Major Dick #1. Blowtorch Bob rises and leaves. Major Dick #1 speaks to his twin.
(The bribery scheme is explained.) The Major’s living arrangement is very comfortable. The room is air conditioned with a bar at one end. The Majors are sitting in stuffed armchairs, holding hard liquor cocktails. Major Dick #2 is wearing a kitchen apron over his uniform. The Majors clink their glasses to celebrate their bribery scheme. The Majors clink their glasses again.
(Charlie loses track of time, gets the munchies, and likes jelly doughnuts.) Creedence Clearwater Revival’s Fortunate Son plays. Charlie is sitting in his hooch, stoned, reading one of his Playboy magazines, and listening to music. ANOTHER LIEUTENANT approaches him and reminds Charlie he is late. He has Charlie’s attention now! Charlie jumps up. Charlie throws on his uniform and runs toward the door. The Other Lieutenant hands him a jelly doughnut.
(Charlie gets his job assignment.) Charlie is stoned and eating his jelly-filled doughnut as he stands in line at the administration tent of the 90th Replacement Battalion to find out what his assignment is. He drips some jelly on the front of his uniform shirt and does not notice. Finally, he enters the tent and is directed by a unformed GUARD to a uniformed SPEC/4 clerk who is wearing love beads and rose-colored sun glasses, and is stoned, too. The Spec/4 can tell that Charlie is stoned and he smiles and winks. Spec/4 winks again. Charlie obtains a good assignment and leaves with a big smile on his face.
(Charlie is interviewed by his potential bosses who are looking for a patsy.) Charlie reports to Sgt. Mac in the cramped lobby of the Life Services Detachment office for an interview. Sgt. Mac is sitting at his desk. Charlie is still a little stoned and is eating something that he tosses into the first trash can he sees. Charlie gives his file to Sgt. Mac. Sgt. Mac knocks on the door to the Major’s office and enters, carrying Charlie’s personnel file. Then Sgt. Mac returns and sits at his desk. A few minutes later Major Dick #2 opens the door. Charlie steps out. Major Dick #1 nods his head. Major Dick #2 opens the door. Charlie obliges. Major Dick # 2 points out the locations of the project on a map on the wall. Charlie looks a little nervous. He is offered a big job on the base. Charlie is thinking, delaying a decision. Charlie salutes the Majors and leaves.
(Charlie debates and then decides to take the job, aka, go on his non-hero’s journey). Charlie and Another Lieutenant are drinking beer after dinner. Charlie decides to take the job.
(Charlie reports back to the Majors and accepts the job. Then, the Majors tell him he will be sent to the field if the project is not completed within six months.) The Majors smile. As Charlie and Sgt. Mac leave, Charlie glances at a tear-off CALENDAR on Sgt. Mac’s desk. The date is 13 NOVEMBER. So, Charlie accepts the assignment and he enters the new world of “being in charge” of a colossal construction project that he does not know is a boondoggle. Can he save himself?
(He meets his crazy mad scientist roommate.) Charlie and Sgt. Mac carry Charlie’s foot locker into a junior officers’ hooch. The hooch is full of electronic equipment. Charlie is unpacking when his slightly older, mad scientist roommate, CAPTAIN EMMETT “DOC” LATHROP, rushes in, along with his dog, EINSTEIN. Doc Lathrop has the required shock of light hair and is wearing a lab coat. He is somewhat innocent and very enthusiastic. Doc points to his dog. Charlie offers his hand to Doc and then pets Einstein on the head. Charlie plonks down on a card table the Playboy magazines we saw earlier. Charlie leaves and walks by Mama Sans burning shit. (Our chorus again.)
(He meets a pretty American girl, Amy, and his competition for her attention, Lt. Straight.) The Beach Boy’s Good Vibrations plays. Charlie begins exploring his surroundings on foot. Seeing that it is air conditioned, he enters the Du Drop Inn Red Cross Recreation Center. He is welcomed by a beautiful Donut Dolly, AMY ARCHER (20), an African American who is wearing her uniform, a powder blue A-line dress. She looks at his name tag. Her partner, DONUT DOLLY #2, waves hello. She is packing a duffel bag with quizzes, flashcards, and other homemade games for boosting morale and combating boredom among American troops in the field. Charlie is amazed to meet an American woman in Vietnam. There is chemistry between them, but Charlie is not aware of it, yet. Charlie notices a Military Police (MP) lieutenant, LT. DAN STRAIGHT, sitting at a table putting together a plastic model of an airplane. Lt. Straight is a tall and muscular African American with a square jaw, sort of like a black Dudley Do-Right. Amy smiles. Charlie leaves and Lt. Straight approaches Amy and makes a pass at her. Amy stays busy. Lt. Straight smiles. Amy frowns and looks stern. Lt. Straight leaves.
ACT TWO
(The journey)
Comic Sequence C – The Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World
(First day at the new job.) Charlie reports for his first day at his new job a little late. Major Dick #1 hands Charlie a map. Charlie leaves to be debriefed by the lieutenant he is replacing.
(First ride on busy Saigon streets.) Charlie follows the map off-post to his destination, driving on Saigon streets that are crowded with VIETNAMESE riding bicycles and motorbikes. It’s Mr. Toad’s wild ride all over again.
(Charlie learns about wartime corruption.) Charlie knocks on the door and it is answered by JOY, a beautiful, smiling Vietnamese woman in a form-fitting dress. She leads him to the living room. There Charlie is greeted by GUY, the lieutenant he is replacing. Guy is dressed in a smoking jacket and is clearly living with Joy. They shake hands. Guy explains Charlie’s job to him and tries to hint that Joy is a job benefit. Charlie nods and smiles. Charlie is a little confused. Guy gives Charlie a leather briefcase he is supposed to carry paperwork in. Charlie is more than a little confused. Charlie accepts the leather briefcase. Charlie nods but doesn’t understand. Guy gives Joy a kiss, Charlie smiles at her, and Guy and Charlie leave for the airport.
(Amy suspects Charlie of being crooked.) It is late in the afternoon when Charlie pulls his jeep up to this hooch. He looks down the street, changes his mind and drives over to the Du Drop Inn. He takes the briefcase in with him. Amy smiles, until she sees the briefcase. Then, she stiffens. Amy leaves and after a moment Charlie leaves.
(Hal introduces himself to Charlie.) Charlie is sitting at his desk, reading progress reports. Sgt. Mac is typing, very slowly with his pointing fingers, and without much luck. Hal Burton arrives and walks over to Charlie. Charlie stands and puts out his hand which Hal shakes. Hal invites Charlie out for the evening. Hal leaves and Sgt. Mac turns to Charlie and jokes about Hal’s small organ. Charlie does not understand the joke, furrows his brow, and Sgt. Mac smiles. Charlie has a confused look on his face.
(Amy reports Charlie’s arrival and her concern to her boss.) Amy enters the back door of a building with a misleading ACCOUNTING COMMAND sign out front. She slips into the first room on the right. AMY’S BOSS, a military police major, is reading at his desk. She explains that Charlie is new and her boss wants her to find out more about him. Amy backs away and leaves.
(Lt. Straight continues to pursue Amy.) Lt. Straight intercepts Amy on the sidewalk outside her workplace. He addresses her as he dismounts his jeep. Amy turns toward him. She is pleasant, but not beaming. Lt. Straight walks up to her. He asks her out for a drink, but she says she is too busy. Amy walks into the Rec Center and Lt. Straight drives off.
(Hal shows Charlie his favorite bar.) Hal Burton stops his jeep in front of Charlie’s hooch and sounds the HORN. The passenger seat is empty and a plain, varnished wooden box just about fills the rear bench seat. Charlie emerges from his hooch wearing jeans, a nice shirt, and black shoes. He swings into the passenger seat. The jeep careens through the streets of Saigon. The jeep arrives at the Cosmos Bar. Hal chains the jeep to a lamp post.
(The Americans at the bar are cynical about the war.) The smoky bar is in full swing when Hal and Charlie arrive. A raucous acoustic folk song from the DVD of the program Kris Kristofferson hosted on Austin City Limits, IN COUNTRY: Folk Songs of Americans in the Vietnam War) is being performed live. The audience is singing along. VIETNAMESE WAITERS help Hal carry his box organ to the informal stage. Hal talks into Charlie’s ear. Hal tosses his head toward the performers. Charlie grabs a seat and orders a beer while Hal sets up his organ and begins playing along. Hal orders and begins drinking a mixed drink.
(Hal has three wives.) The crowd has thinned. Hal joins Charlie at his table. They are both pretty sloshed. Charlie is amazed. That’s a little much for( Charlie to comprehend at his stage of inebriation. He helps Hal carry the box organ out to Hal’s jeep. Hal explains that he has three wives.
(Lt. Straight almost catches Charlie getting stoned and tells Charlie he and Amy are close.) Charlie is standing outside his hooch in his uniform and finishing a joint when an MP jeep pulls up. It’s Lt. Straight and his PARTNER, who is driving. Charlie snuffs out and eats the roach. Lt. Straight rolls out of the jeep and walks up to Charlie and smiles as he looks at Charlie’s name tag. Charlie swallows the roach. Lt. Straight tells Charlie that smoking marijuana is a punishable offence. Charlie looks at Lt. Straight’s name tag. Lt. Straight tells Charlie that he and Amy are close. Charlie walks toward the door of his hooch. Lt. Straight pauses for a moment and then walks back to his jeep.
(Charlie is appointed Club Officer.) When Charlie arrives at work, Major Dick #2 speaks to him, telling him he is appointed the Club Officer of the Main Officers Club. Charlie smiles at Sgt. Mac.
(Charlie takes Amy on their first date.) Charlie pulls his jeep up to the VietCorp Construction Management Office in Saigon. Amy is with him. Both are dressed in their work uniforms. Charlie uses a chain to lock his jeep to a lamp post.
(VietCorp engineering employees are not working.) Charlie walks into the VietCorp Construction Management Office with Amy. About 20 male Vietnamese DRAFTERS are sitting at drafting tables with titled tops in a bullpen. Along the back wall are office doors. A few of the Drafters are shooting spit balls at one another through straws. So many of the Drafters are smoking cigarettes and coughing, the air is hazy. Charlie nods his head at the closest Drafter. Amy looks around. Charlie points to the briefcase which is sitting on a nearby table. Amy is confused by that statement and becomes wary. Charlie does not pick up on her wariness.
(VietCorp construction employees are not working.) Stealers Wheel’s Stuck in the Middle with You plays. Charlie arrives at the recreational lake construction site with Amy in his jeep. They disembark and stand looking at the construction activity. Hundreds of VIETNAMESE WORKERS appear to be on a break from excavating the lake using hand tools and wheelbarrows. Not much actual excavation is going on. Most of the workers are leaning on their shovels, instead of working. A SUPERVISOR approaches Charlie and asks for more shovels. Charlie nods. Charlie smiles ruefully.
(Amy introduces Charlie to the Long Binh PX and Lt. Straight notices them together.) It is as big as a Walmart superstore and full of the goodies twenty-something year old soldiers really need. Amy points out the amenities. SOLDIERS are having their boots shined by Vietnamese BOOTBLACKS in a long line of elevated chairs. They continue walking. Other Soldiers are being given short haircuts in a long line of barber chairs. They continue walking. Lots of stereo equipment is being inspected by yet other Soldiers. They continue walking. Charlie picks up a good BOTTLE OF SCOTCH. They walk over to the checkout lines and get in one. Lt. Straight is standing in one of the other lines and gives Charlie the stink eye.
Comic Sequence D – It Just Keeps Getting Worse
(Charlie’s bosses remind him about six-month time limit to finish his project.) Charlie is making a flip-chart presentation to the Majors about progress on the construction project. One of his flip charts shows a cross section through the middle of the project.
(Lt. Straight gets drunk and beats up Charlie for dating Amy.) It’s late at night. Lt. Straight is in civilian clothes and plastered when he knocks on the door of Charlie’s hooch. Lt. Straight stumbles in. Lt. Straight looks around to make sure Charlie is alone and then walks over to Charlie and grabs him by his shoulders. Charlie smells the alcohol on Lt. Straight’s breath. Lt. Straight drops his right arm and slugs Charlie in the gut. Charlie doubles over in pain. Lt. Straight leaves.
(Charlie is worried his project will not be completed on time.) Charlie and Doc are out for a drink. Charlie expresses his worries about his project not finishing on time. Doc suggests they ask a friend who is a Sea Bee for help. They leave.
Charlie and Doc visit Doc’s friend, RICK, the Sea Bee. Charlie and Rick shake hands. Rick suggests Charlie help him find money to pay excavation equipment operators. They shake hands again.
Sgt. Mac explains to Charlie how the Main Officers’ Club operates. Sgt. Mac hands Charlie one of the sticks used to measure liquor left in the bottles after last call and Charlie examines the stick. Charlie accompanies Sgt. Mac to the alley behind the club. There, Sgt. Mac. picks up an empty scotch bottle and throws it against the wall to show Charlie how to create “spillage.”
Amy takes Charlie to a baseball game which has not started yet. Amy points to one team after another. Amy whispers in Charlie’s ear and explains the difference between a grunt and a REMF. They watch the game for a while.
Charlie is driving his jeep from the VietCorp office to the Life Services Detachment office. He has his briefcase with him. Suddenly, a CHILD walks out into the road, forcing Charlie to crash into the back of another jeep that is parked on the side of the road. Charlie’s briefcase slams into the dashboard and springs open. Charlie sees that it is full of packets of $20 bills. John Prine’s The Great Compromise, plays. Charlie quickly closes and locks the briefcase, but is worried.
Charlie arrives at the office and hands his briefcase to Major Dick #1 like nothing out of the ordinary has happened. Blowtorch Bob crashes into the office and collars Charlie and asks him to get a white line drawn in the middle of the road to his office. Charlie agrees and Blowtorch Bob leaves the office in a huff.
Charlie enters the Du Drop Inn looking for Amy. She is there, packing a bag, as usual. Otherwise, the place is empty. Amy sits down with Charlie when he tells her about the packages of $20 bills. Amy perks up. Amy breaks out in a big smile, gets up, drags him up, and plants a big kiss on Charlie’s lips. Surprised, he kisses back. Charlie sits down and Amy follows. Charlie frowns and expresses his disappointment about Amy’s using him. Charlie gets up and walks toward the door. Amy asks Charlie to stay. Charlie walks out the door. Amy is disappointed. (Ends on Midpoint)
Comic Sequence E – Love in the Air
Charlie goes for a ride on his jeep, to think. He stops at an intersection where a POLICEMAN is directing traffic. Three PRIESTS, dressed in black, are standing on the sidewalk and address the audience. (Our chorus again.) Charlie is waved on by the Policeman.
Charlie returns to his hooch. Doc is there, working on some electronic surveillance prototype. Doc advises Charlie on his legal and girlfriend situations. Charlie flops down on his bunk and GROANS. Einstein jumps up on Charlie’s bunk and licks him in the face. Charlie smiles.
Charlie shows up at the Officer’s Club. Joy is serving. Joy serves Charlie a Pabst Blue Ribbon. Joy shows Charlie how obtaining “spillage” cash is done. She gives Charlie $1,000 which he signs for. Charlie downs his beer and leaves.
Charlie returns to the Sea Bee Unit. Rick is repairing a piece of his equipment. Charlie gives Rick the $1,000 he scrounged. Rick agrees to deliver his equipment and operators to bhe job site. They shake hands.
Amy slips into the CID Office and heads for her boss’s desk. Amy is smiling as she explains what she has learned. Amy looks down a little sheepishly. Amy salutes her Boss, does an about face, and leaves.
(Lt. Straight catches Charlie smoking dope and threatens him about Amy.) Charlie is enjoying an after-dinner doobie when a uniformed Lt. Straight rounds the corner of his hooch. Lt. Straight threatens to bust Charlie for smoking weed, but says he won’t because Charlie is going to stay away from Amy. Charlie is confused. Lt. Straight walks away in a huff.
(Amy invites Charlie over to her place.) Charlie is on his bunk reading one of his old Playboy magazines when Amy KNOCKS on the door of his hooch. Charlie puts the magazine down and opens the door. Amy enters the hooch and Charlie offers her a chair. Amy explains why she had to do what she did. Amy gives Charlie another kiss. Charlie smiles, nods, and they leave together.
(Sex at 60.) There are beer cans on the coffee table, along with Charlie’s clothes. As the sun rises, Charlie wakes up in Amy’s bed. Amy is just back from taking a shower and is dressed in a towel. She is standing on the far side of her bed, wrapped in a towel and drying her hair with a smaller towel. Charlie rolls out of bed with his back to us. Amy glances down and comments on his situation. Charlie smiles and grabs her larger towel.
It’s Monday morning. Vietnamese Workers are clocking in for work. Charlie is standing next to his jeep at the edge of the excavation. A RUMBLING SOUND is heard. A big yellow SCRAPER and a BULLDOZER are moving up the street toward the excavation. Charlie walks over to the Supervisor. The Supervisor smiles. The Supervisor walks over to an entrance to the excavation and waves at the EQUIPMENT OPERATORS. When the Scraper and Bulldozer arrive at the entrance, the Operators turn off their engines, jump down from their cabs, and walk over to the Supervisor. The Supervisor points and waves at the excavation while he speaks to the Operators. Charlie watches as the Operators turn on their engines, drive into the excavation and begin scooping earth up in the Scrapers’ bowl, with the Dozer pushing on the rear end of the scraper to allow it to cut deeper in the earth. When the bowl fills, the Operator drives out of the excavation and spreads the contents of the bowl where he was directed to place it. This happens over and over. Charlie smiles and gives the thumbs up to the Supervisor who smiles back. The Workers happily lean on their shovels.
Charlie stumbles out of Sgt. Mac’s jeep outside of his hooch. Charlie is pretty toasted. Lt. Straight, dressed in civilian clothes, appears from the side of the hooch. Sgt. Mac drives off. Charlie walks toward the front door of his hooch and Lt. Straight steps in his way. Lt. Straight is even drunker than Charlie is. Lt. Straight steps closer to Charlie and is now in his face and warns Charlie to leave Amy alone. Lt. Straight grabs Charlie by the shoulders and slams him hard against the wall. Charlie is not smiling now. Charlie remains quiet. That satisfies Lt. Straight, who staggers off.
Major Dick #1 is walking to his Office. Several DOGS are playing in the yard outside the office. Major Dick #1 steps in a pile of dog poop. He shakes his soiled boot and tries to rub the poop off on the ground. Three ENLISTED MEN walk by and snicker.
(Major Dick #1 enters the office and calls for Sgt. Mac. Major Dick #1 orders Sgt. Mac to shoot all the dogs on the post.) Sgt. Mac leaves the building.
(Sgt. Mac and two enlisted men shoot Einstein.) Sgt. Mac and two ENLISTED MEN are riding in his jeep which is pulling a small trailer. They are armed with M-16 rifles are driving along a road on the post when they see a dog. They don’t know it, but the dog is Einstein. The Enlisted Men jump out of the jeep and shoot at Einstein. One of the bullets hits Einstein in the right back lower leg. Einstein cries out and runs off. The Enlisted Men jump back in the jeep and they pursue Einstein, but he hides under a building and evades them.
(Joy tells Charlie that a surprise inspection has reveal that too much spillage is occurring.) He must find another source of money to pay the Sea Bee machine operators.
Comic Sequence F – What Was I Thinking?
(Charlie decides to use cash from his briefcase to build the lake.) He takes his first $1,000.
(Amy talks to Lt. Straight about her relationship with Charlie and his predicament.) Lt. Straight promises Amy he will help them.
***Surprise: Sgt. Mac turns out to be in on the corruption??
(The Majors notice that someone removed $1,000 from their last bribe package.)
(The Majors query Hal Burton about the missing money, who says he will try to figure out where the money is.)
(Hal Burton visits the job site and learns Charlie is paying equipment operators.)
(Hal tells the Majors that Charlie is stealing their bribe money to build the lake but don’t tell Charlie they know.) Instead, they decide to catch him smoking marijuana.
(Based on anonymous phone call, Lt. Straight catches Charlie smoking dope, but lets him go as Amy requested.)
(Soon after it is filled, the lake accidentally drains into a Viet Cong tunnel complex, leaving fish flopping around in the mud.)
(People in black pajamas begin popping up in the river downstream.)
(The Majors tell Charlie he will be transferred to a combat position in 24 hours.)
(It rains and Charlie is bummed out, so it must be the end of Act Two.)
ACT THREE
Comic Sequence G – Time to Grow Up
(Charlie tells Amy about his predicament.)
(Doc finds out that the Majors tried to kill his dog, Einstein and learns about the corruption scheme from Amy and Charlie.) Doc suggests to Charlie that they use a listening device to document the crime.
(A PLATOON of armed U.S. infantry soldiers surround the tunnel opening in the lake bed. A CAPTAIN is in command. A small U.S. infantry soldier with a soft hat who has been trained as a TUNNEL RAT is lowered into the tunnel opening holding a specially-modified Smith & Wesson .38 pistol (known as a “Hush Puppy”), a standard Army-issued flashlight, a knife in s sheath, and one end of a roll of string held by ANOTHER SOLDIER.)
(The Tunnel Rat’s flashlight illuminates the initial section of the tunnel which had been hand carved in dull reddish laterite clay. The tunnel has a flat floor, inwardly sloping walls, and a curved ceiling. It looks very creepy.)
(Charlie and Doc put together a surveillance system using a TURDSID and other spare parts.
(Charlie and Doc plant the surveillance system in the Major’s hooch.)
(The Major’s discuss their “retirement scheme.” Their discussion is picked up by the system and broadcast over the base.)
(Amy and Lt. Straight arrest the Majors.)
(The Majors are locked up in Long Binh Jail, aka LBJ).
Comic Sequence H – The New Me
(Instead of being sent to the field, Charlie is given a field promotion to Captain and takes over being the LSD commanding officer.)
(Amy and Lt. Straight also arrest Hal Burton.)
(Blowtorch Bob commends Charlie for uncovering the tunnel complex under Long Binh Post.
(Charlie and Amy are awarded Bronze Star metals for their efforts.)
(Charlie is the master of ceremonies for the official opening of the lake.)
(Charlie flies back to the World.)
(Charlie and Amy get married.) The Shirelles’ Soldier Boy plays. Charlie is at the alter wearing his dress blue uniform. He is standing with his Best Friend who is his best man (and the Narrator). Then Amy walks down the aisle.
Epilogue
***During the closing credits, a brief freeze frame of each of the major characters is presented, accompanied by subtitles giving their full name and a brief summary of their future lives.
Charlie is a successful medical cannabis grower.
Amy is the sheriff of the county in which Charlie’s grow operation is located.
Major Dick #1 and Major Dick #2 served 20 years for larceny.
Blowtorch Bob is fragged by his own driver.
Doc wins the Nobel Prize for physics.
Deleted Scenes
An exhausted DOCTOR and a NURSE are assisting a WOMAN who is giving birth to our protagonist in a 1940’s era hospital. The BABY’s face is contorted as he cries in the Doctor’s hands. The Doctor hands the Baby to the Nurse who tells him she has filled out the birth certificate and reminds him to sign it and get some rest. The CLOCK on the wall shows the time of birth as 12:02 am.
The Doctor enters the corridor adjacent to the delivery room and stands at the nurses’ desk, pulling off his gloves, and acting tired. He adds the Baby’s name and signs the birth certificate. Glancing at a tear-off CALENDAR on the desk, he dates the birth 24 APRIL and leaves.
The Nurse enters the corridor and stands at the nurses’ desk. She places the birth certificate in a file folder, and then, glancing at the Clock which shows 12:10 am, tears off the 24 APRIL Calendar page, exposing the correct date for the new day as 25 APRIL.
Other ideas
Note to me: Charlie is framed and is threatened with being sent into combat.
Note to me: Spread fake clues over time, fooling the police. Coach supposed victims, convincing them they would get US visas. Victim overhears fake Charlie and his lover being called by their nicknames. “You know you did it. Just admit it.”
INT. LIFE SUPPORT DETACHMENT OFFICE – DAY
Note to me: Lake accidentally drains, leaving fish flopping around in the mud.
Note to me: Charlie is told he will be assigned to a combat unit in 24 hours.
Act Three
Comic Sequence G – Time to Grow Up
(e.g., Cobb decides to be a dictator for 24 hours)
Help from a mentor?
Let’s do it!
INT. CHARLIE’S HOOCH – DAY
Note to me: how about a scene of Charlie and Amy dancing when he “wins the girl.”
INT. R&D OFFICE – DAY
Note to me: Charlie’s hoochmate, ALEC HOAG or DOC suggests Charlie and Amy use a TURDSID to record the bribery. Doc looks like a mad scientist in a white coat. Doc talks in his sleep.
DOC
We have wired the Ho Chi Minh trail like a drugstore pinball machine and we plug it in every night.
Note to me: The TURDSID activates a hand-delivered seismic intrusion detector with an attached acoustic sensor, HANDSID, nicknamed a Thumbtack, that transmits voice data to a portable receiver called a Portatale. (In Vietnam, this system was called Dial-a-Dink.) Doc was also involved in Operation Lave, which involved dropping soap on the Ho Ch Minh trail to make the mud worse.
Comic Sequence H – The New Me
The battle, the confrontation, the climax. Resurrection. Epiphany.
Note to me: Instead of being sent to the field, Charlie is given a field promotion to Captain and takes over being the boss.
INT. GENERAL’S OFFICE – DAY
Note to me: Charlie is awarded a Bronze Star for his work.
INT. MEM CHU WEDDING CHAPEL – DAY
Note to me: Charlie is at the alter wearing his dress blue uniform while the song, Soldier Boy, plays.
He is standing with his BEST FRIEND who is his best man (and the Narrator). Then Amy walks down the aisle.
Note to me: Could do a “where are they now?” during the end credits. After the wedding, Charlie gets calls from those he helped get CO status.
Smoking weed through the barrel of a rifle.
Earlier, Major Dick #2 takes a sweet.
Note to me: The unit’s Commanding General, Blowtorch Bob, has a fragging phobia. He sleeps in a different place every night.
Note to me: Maybe Charlie finds out inspector general will visit? Majors actively try to trap Charlie.
Note to me” A planned “opening ceremony” for the lake could start the “ticking clock.”
Note to me: Amy likes the simple, innocent guy. A more aggressive suitor pretends to be simple. He ends up in LBJ.
Other ideas:
Re-introduce the captain who released Charlie from the box